Submission :S

Hi guys, I just felt like blogging here for awhile, even though I've still got to so some research, disgusting research. *retches*

Anyway, my research topic is, currently(don't know it it'll change), on house churches in China. FOr those who know me well, you'll know that I have a strange fascination with people or groups that have the courage to defy authority, for a cause they believe is good. SOmething about their non-conformism(ugh, vocab) and passion that drives their actions just awes me, maybe it's because I don't have any courage myself.

I've been meaning to reflect on our sunday school classes every sunday and post my thoughts here, although I usually end up with more questions than answers, and even if I DO answer some questions, they usually aren't very logically sound anyway, because I'm not a very rational person to begin with.

Today's lesson was about the evils of society, and thereafter we dove into the theme of 'submission'. Submission for me takes 2 forms, to submit through actions, and to submit with your heart. I always thought that when the Bible said submission, they meant the former, because how is it possible to streamline your thoughts with that of the authority's?

There's the problem of having more than one opinion to submit to, those of which might even clash with each other(say, your father and mother have different opinions and things they want you to do). What do you do then, supposing they both mean well?

And then there's also the difficulty of submitting with your heart. For me, because I jsut can't seem to stop questioning everything, even my own thoughts, so arriving at a conclusion sometimes takes monthsm, years, and even then I question my own conclusion. So theoretically speaking, to submit wholeheartedly, I must need a lifetime then, even for the most mundane issues.

Somehow I still don't understand submission. What do you mean, to submit? Today, someone pointed out that submission is also to agree with the other party. But what if you really really don't, and have strong reasons to believe so, even if you don't say it outright?

In that scenario, which I often face, I always thought submission was to accept the other persons views, yet still keep your own. FOr instance, to agree that their points make sense, and to agree about the issue from their perspective, but also to agree about it your own way, from your perspective. You can agree with both can't you? I often do, it's how gray areas form. Is that still submission then? And then, what do you agree on? DO you agree that a certain thing is right? Or do you agree that the other party means well and hence you have to submit.

I know you should talk things through with the other party then. And people ask, well Kerryn, why don't you just clear up the misunderstanding between the 2 people and all will be fine? Such an easy way out for compeldx situations. It's not as simple. It's not as easy for me to get my points across because others always seem to misinterpret them or find them absurd when they can't understand what I mean. It's not that they find that my points don't make sense. THey don't even really get what I'm trying to say, and just guess and assume my intentions, which lead to even more misunderstandings. And I've already tried to articulate them the best way I can.

For me, the meaning of submission is still quite vague. In my system of values, submission merely meant to give in, to give way. But sighs, it's so hard to be a good person, when even the definition of good is being questioned.

Well, that was cathartic.